Not So Up Close and Too Personal

Yellow!

This post is pretty personal to me. It's about me and my love life.

Not too long ago, there were times where I got scared of being attached to someone.

Afraid of committing in a relationship.

No, afraid of being trapped in a relationship.

Maybe it’s the trauma.

I was not scared of being cheated on, but I was terrified that I would get bored and then cheat.

Because I get bored easily.

Anyone who ever said introverts and Capricorns love routines must have never met me.

Routines bother me.

When I caught myself doing something over and over again, I would change it in an instant.

And I thought…

What good is a relationship if it’s just adding my burden in life?

Adding up the anxieties that are already felt too much.

Can you imagine sharing your deepest dark secrets, traumas, and bad habits with another human being?

While also listening to their deepest dark secrets, traumas, and bad habits.

And then, trying to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

What a waste of energy.

An old friend came to me and asked why should I get scared of being in a committed relationship?

He said being in a relationship is fun, just like playing a game.

Not playing with their heart, but really, a video game or mobile game.

There are levels and milestones that you will go through together by doing new things.

New things for you and your partner. Even the tiniest thing.

Because acknowledging the small milestones would make the relationship fun.

I was being stubborn and said maybe it’s not the time for me to feel that way about relationships.

Time passed, and after I ruined my relationship with a fellow Capricorn, I decided that I don't like fellow Capricorns. But then, this particular Capricorn walked into my life.

What a joke.

Well, he’s not really a stranger because I’ve known this guy for months.

And he’s nice.

Not too nice, but enough.

And I love talking to him.

They say you should find someone that you love to talk to about anything.

But also find someone where silence doesn’t bother you when you’re with them.

So, finally, I found someone who makes me feel that commitment is not scary.

Someone who doesn't just acknowledge our tiny milestones but celebrates them.

Someone who makes me feel comfortable.

Someone with whom I want to share my deepest dark secrets, traumas, and bad habits while also listening to their deepest dark secrets, traumas, and bad habits.

Wow, turns out, it's not that difficult with him.

He laughed when I told him he's so much like a dog and I meant it.

He's so warm, adorable, and annoying.

He brings so much joy into my life and makes me feel content.

And sometimes when we sit in silence,

I take some time to glance at him and smile,

feeling so lucky that this person exists and that fate decided to be kind enough to bring us together.

Now that I’m older, I know that being in a relationship is not just hanging out together, trying out new cafes and restaurants, or traveling together.

I know that being in a relationship is much more complicated than that.

There are so many things to think about and plan for the future.

And you’re not doing it alone, because you have to include them in the picture.

To be honest, I never regret that I met him when I was 26.

Not even a little.

I feel like this is the time where we’re both mature enough and mentally stable to make a decision to be together.

Not just because we’re lonely.

Maybe all this time I’d been met with the wrong ones because the universe wants me to appreciate the right one when I met him.

If you ask me, I would say I don’t know what would happen to us in the future.

Hey, it's only been a year ...ish.

But I’m willing to work on us.

And I really hope we last long, Rey.